————————- NSFW (Not Safe For Work) WARNING———————
This post contains some pretty graphic (and hilarious) content. It’s the text from an eviction notice I unfortunately had to actually write and deliver.
Dear John Doe (name changed to protect the guilty),
I am writing to let you know that I am terminating our rental agreement, effective the 1st of August 2010. This is not easy for me because I consider you a friend as well as a tenant. But I don’t think I’ve got a choice.
I have told you many times that I do not wish to see your penis, and that you need to wear clothing when you are outside your room. This is obvious to most people and years ago you seldom needed a reminder. Walking around naked in the kitchen and other shared rooms and exposing yourself to me on a regular basis is not acceptable. The kitchen is not a locker room.
I do not want a sexual relationship with you. I don’t know why you’re harassing me this way, or why it’s suddenly so much worse. But since you refuse to stop or even acknowledge there’s a problem, it’s time for you to leave. I told you I’d evict you if you did it one more time, and you just did it one more time. So I have no other option.
My next-door neighbor runs a licensed day care and I teach music to children. At the rate you’re going, it’s only a matter of time before you expose yourself to one of those kids. I can’t allow that to happen.
Aside from the exhibitionism, I believe you are a basically good and trustworthy person. I wish you well. I believe you will do very well in an all-adult or nudist-friendly community. As a show of good will and respect, I will immediately refund the rest of your damage deposit, in cash. Please have everything out and the room cleaned no later than August 1st.
Thanks and best regards,
<My name here>